Keep you arms and legs inside the ride

I have had a really emotional couple of days. I really can't really pinpoint where it is stemming from. I think a lot of it comes from a few "friends" I have in the neighborhood. I'm never home so I really still don't know many people living around me. So I got to talk with a couple of the people I would call friends last night. I doubt they would consider me a friend. I wonder if they would even talk to me if they didn't think they would get some sort of spiritual gain from it. I like them. I want to be like them and I want things like them. It makes me extremely sad when I hear all the things they do. I know that I have worked hard for what I have and it is ominous to think I may have to work harder to have something different.

That sparked it. Then there is the lack of money. They never ending pile of bills. The desire to have a family.

I cried. The message was not received by the intended party. Of course.

So I cried to myself for a few more hours and fell asleep.

I thought I was over it and found out I wasn't when an unexpected floodgate was opened on P as soon as he walked in the door at work. Poor guy. It probably took an hour for his shirt to dry. He was patient as usual. Wonderful and calming. He has no idea where his talents really are. But I was feeling pretty blah and the sight of him just sent me back to all the things I can't say and want to about who I want to be. I have worked so hard and I am so tired.

Then at home I was tired and need a nap. Happy and watched tv. Motivated and organized beads. Bored and nervous. Excited and contemplative.

I am now concerned. Concerned because "wrong," "marriage vows," and "cheated" no matter how they are arranged in a sentence is never a good thing. This will always be held over my head. I am paranoid, unable to trust and hurt.

Concerned leads to angry and upset leads to miserable and depressed leads to probably another round of tears.

Enjoy the ride.