Friday I was feeling blah. There is no other way to describe it. I couldn't decide what I wanted to make- should I bead, crochet, paint or sew? Then I couldn't decide what I wanted to eat- "fast food Friday" should be fun, right? Then the movie I started watching sucked. Of course. So I ended up watching a couple of cartoons and going to bed on time.
Yesterday was more than blah even though I thought it would be good. I wanted the rain to stop. I was up at 5am. Then back to sleep at 7. Up again at 10. Wanted to see a movie. Nobody else did. I was in pain at home. By myself. I got angry at my husband for not being there for me. It was a tough day emotionally and it seems like he is always at work at moments like that. Then the only other people who I seem to be able to rely on were also unavailable. All and all it equaled a pretty good depression/sadness only to keep going the rest of the night.
Tried to get friends to commit to plans. Couldn't. Why this happens I'm not sure. I have decided that if something isn't decided on by Friday that I'm not going to even try. I am not going to beg to do something. It seems as soon as it seems constant- we hang out Sat night, I am reminded that this is my stupid idea and I should have made plans with the person I turned away on Thurs. It really bothers me- why do I keep doing this? I should know better by now- not everyone thinks the same way I do. I'm going to start to be a lot more selfish.
Didn't know what to make for dinner. Ate late. Just what I needed for another bad sleep. Same thing happened at bed- a couple cartoons and asleep by 11.
Now I'm up early again. Answering strange text msgs and emails I got last night. Really strange. Things that I have said for years are suddenly revelations to others. That is foreshadowing for sure! I can't wait to see what happens 2 years from now about my other advice. Also, some of the texts are ways friends fish for compliments. No joke- this life of mine is just a lot of reaffirming people's egotistical thoughts about themselves so they can feel less guilty about taking and not giving back. I have a wonderfully diverse group of friends, therefore, when things are good they are awesome. When things are bad- well, they are annoying and all pretty much blah at the same time. There it is again- blah. I wonder why I bother ranting today.
I hope that this month is different. I really want a change. I think that I am really going to try this month to find a different job. Hopefully things will look up monetarily so I can focus on getting my business going and my items sold. I'm stocking up now. I desperately need less stress to have the 1 thing occupying my mind right now. It won't happen if I'm stressing out, freaking out or depressed. I don't know anything that stresses me out more than my job. Even money problems, school, house cleaning/fixing up- nothing is as stressful as my job. People use me when it is convenient for them. I decided my title is "garbage disposal." I swear I would put that in my signature if I could.
Well, I have a couple more hours to decide what I'm going to do for the day. I guess if I feel better I could go to church. That is still a couple hours away and I am truly undecided on that. I don't want to go alone- note that once again I have no husband thanks to his inability to hold one constant good paying job- and I don't have anything else to do so I might as well go.
One more thing: why aren't you paying attention? I really needed this. Really. You are robbing me of time I don't have. I am trying to believe there is a reason for this and things will look up. I really am positive until it happens. Please, just one last kiss and let 'em go. I'm thinking a miracle needs to happen and that some of it needs to be from trust. I will prove to you I can do this. You were right, I am "royalty" and I told B. last week exactly what you meant. I got it! I'm a slow learner. So is C. You have the ability to make him aware of what is true. It's not that the seas need to be parted- but his positive attitude will melt and goals will get pushed aside. You know that. Please- I have tried to remember my prayer in ashes. I'm still working for the same things. I won't be choked next time. I will make it right. I have never wanted it more- you are listenind and so am I.
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